My Life as a Gnome

I live a quiet life here in the yard.Unlike the stories you have heard about the gnome who was stolen and taken on a world-wide vacation, I am not nomadic and have not been any where. I am stuck here in the back yard. By the way, somebody needs to mow the grass.

Hey buddy, get off my head! Oh that's just great! Thanks for the deposit. Now I'll have to wait for rain or somebody to clean that off. Thanks a lot, pal!

You just stay over there dog. I saw what you did to the garden rabbit. That did leave a mark! How would you like it if I chewed on your tail? Don't even think of lifting your leg on me! Go on now, get away. I don't need a shower from you.

Oh,crap, those kids are playing with that big ball again. Please don't kick it over here. Ouch, too late. Somebody pick me up, anybody? Guess I'll just have to wait till somebody comes outside and stands me back up. Maybe I'll take a nap.

Get off me, you moron! Just cause you're an ant you think you can run all over me. And don't bother to call your friends. I said don't call your friends! Man, why don't you just go make a hill somewhere?

Oh, hello, nice to see you. Yes, it is a nice warm day. Better than the winter cold, huh? I must say the Tiger Swallowtail look is wonderful on you. Ah choo, sorry must be something in the pollen you picked up.Off, again? Yeah, the marigolds are nice, but I like the zinnias. See you later.

Yikes, I spoke too soon. Here comes the lawnmower. I just hope I don't get run over. Ok, do you mind getting the grass off me now. It makes me itch. Hello! What about the gnome? Not the birdbath! You don't need to fill the birdfeeder. They're too fat anyway. Somebody get this grass off my face! Finally! Upright and clean again.

Tikki torches? Are you nuts? Have you noticed the wind is blowing? Do you really need those torches? Do you want to burn the house down? I like the yard the way it is, green, not charcoal brown!

It's getting dark out here. The garden light are coming on. What do I see here? Where did you come from? Oh, that's too funny! How does it feel to have a light shining out of your ass? Solar panel, right? Just what we need in this yard. A family of frogs with lights shining out of their butts! And these guys are supposed to be our yard guards? I feel so much better knowing I am protected by lit frogs. Just what have you been smoking?

Yawn, the moon is coming up. Would somebody turn that music down? By the way, the smoke from the barbeque pit is making me cough. You done now? Good. Maybe now I can get some rest. It's been a long day.