Wednesday, April 20, 2011

If Noah Built an Ark in 2011

And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.

"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a building permit."

"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Thursday, April 07, 2011

That's Some Bad Horror Movie

Last night while taking Daisy out I discovered a crawfish was waving at me, or maybe Daisy. I'm not sure. It was waving it's pinschers wildly in the air as we walked by. Ever try to keep a curious dachshund from getting smacked by a crawfish? I didn't like the idea of a battle between the two species, so I pulled Daisy away and took her back inside. I told Jimmy what I had found. When he came out, he suggested we grab it and put it in the fish tank. "You grab it!" I thought. Not me. I stood there watching it attacking the air by striking a "come near me and I'll hurt you" pose with it's claws ready to strike. I think I'll just go back inside. Where did that thing come from anyway?

Of course the minute I went back inside Rowdy wanted to go outside to do his business. Thinking I would avoid the armed intruder, Rowdy and I went in a different direction than Daisy and I had. So much for that idea. We found another one lurking around the front of the building. Rowdy is a lot smaller so I had to distract him and go around in back of the building. It was then that I saw a third pincher packing bad guy. Feeling like I had stepped onto the set of a bad horror movie, I began to wonder how the trio had managed to wander into this area. This is the time of year when people eat a lot of the little critters. No wonder these guys didn't seem to thrilled about their location. They did look a little like they were ready to take hostages for safe passage to a friendly river.

Though I thought briefly that one of them might make an interesting addition to our fish tank, I was not about to make the offer to any of them. I like my fingers the way they are. After the dogs had finished their nightly stroll, I got ready to go back to the comfy confines of the indoors. It was then that I discovered one of them had decided to try to block the way by establishing residency, however temporary in front of the door. Menacingly it looked at me as if it were ready to attack my foot. Ok, can we cut to the stunt double now? I really don't want to deal with this. Who's directing this horror flick anyway? Where's Wes Craven when you need him.

The dogs and I were able to sidestep the creature without further bother. But that one little guy apparently had decided to stay there in front of the door for a while. Early this morning before sunrise, I gingerly took the dogs out. I had trouble seeing if the crawfish were still outside since it was dark. After sunrise I decided to see if they were there. Two of them had apparently escaped. But one was lying dead between the buildings in front of the lamp post. Sorry dude. Later I heard my neighbor lift what sounded like the top of a cast iron pot lid on his patio. Ah ha! Could the three escapees have been meant for boiling? It sounded like it. I know that my neighbor likes to eat crawfish. For that matter so does Jimmy. Me? No thanks! Beheaded shrimp, yes. Pulling the head of a crawfish off and eating the crawfish may be what a lot of people around here like. I'll skip it. It sounds too much like a sequel to the "Attack of the Mad Crawfish" movie. What? You haven't seen it? Oh well, it was a very low budget film. It was only showed one night. Last night.