Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Almost There

For those who have not finished your taxes --hurry up. For me, my taxes were done and paid before I had to leave. Maybe getting married on April 15th was a bad omen.

It has been a quiet, melancholy but reflective day. I remembered that the minister who married us got lost coming to our house. Maybe another omen? I remembered Jimmy's parents sitting on the hearth as we took our vows. Then I realized that 21 years had gone by. Where did the time go? There were good times and bad times, but we were secure in the knowledge that we had each other. I even remembered when he had to have emergency eye surgery because he was working around the house and tried to nail something and hit the nail wrong causing it to fly into his eye. That ripped a hole in his eye and we had to rush him to a specialist for the surgery. I also remembered when he broke his wrist. Just try to take a shower with a cast on your arm!

Then I remembered when he told me I needed to leave. I never saw that fastball. I've never gotten an answer to my questions. So I remain hurt, confused and angry. But his decision just seems to go along with how people view the world today. We live in a disposable society. Get bored with your car, trade it in on a new on. Tv breaks, don't try to fix it, buy a new one. The computer seems outdated, buy a new one. Need to fix a faucet that only needs a washer? Don't go to the storage shed to get the washer, buy a whole new faucet, cause it would take too much time to hunt for the washer in the shed.

It used to be that married people worked out their problems. Now it is much easier to just get rid of a partner. Throw them away just like that empty soda bottle. Don't tell them about feelings, or issues. That might take time. That would also mean confronting your inner fears or feelings. Those little things you don't want anyone to know. So it has been 20+ years. Start fresh, train a new one.People fall in and out of love all the time, often with the same person. Getting married is the easy part. Living in the marriage is the hard part. We all discover that our spouse has annoying habits after we get married. Most of us learn to live with them.

So as my wedding anniversary day nears it's end with less than an hour to go, I am left to remember what was and what could have been. We could have had it all. But somewhere the lines of communication broke and I don't know how to fix them. I just know that until he decides what he wants, I will remain neither here nor there. My life has been suspended and I am unable to move.


cube said...

Very sad post. I hope you can get on with your life regardless of what the ex decides, but I know that is easier said than done.

If there's any truth to the old adage that misery loves company,
April 15th is always a very stressful, miserable time for me too. After taxes, which is bad enough, my in-laws always visit and there's plenty of stress to go around. I must grin and bear the fact that my house will NEVER be clean enough for my M-I-L. *sigh*